Characters and Plot

Back again after the grindstone wore out my keyboard from writing so many papers and Christmas in retail-land left my energy deflated and draped over the nearest chair.

Anyway I have a few ruminations about writing I'll be posting over the next few days (hopefully). Mostly notes to self. Anyway.

Characters are plot.

When writing characters, every one of them should be living their individual storyline and be the hero in each POV. The thing about people is that everyone feels like the protagonist in their own life's history, and rarely will tell a story that illuminates them in an unflattering light. Normally there are reasons, explanations, and a series of emotional chain reactions that result in every action. Even if a married partner cheats, or a son doesn't wish his mother happy birthday, these things are usually justified as an acceptable outcome in the person's mind.

Characters should go through the same process too. Through the chain reactions they create plot: when a plot point occurs in a book, the opportunity can be laid out by an outside conflict, but it is how a character reacts to this conflict that creates plot. The story moves along as the character becomes more and more enraveled in their own choices.

By the end, they should be in full chrysalis mode and then emerge at the end as a beauteous butterfly transformed! (Because what's the point of a story if nothing changes? How can the reader hope to be moved and changed if the protagonist can't even bother to take the time to do the same).

Cloud Atlas, The Movie

I went to go see Cloud Atlas (le film!) last night and I've been ruminating on it all day, aka procrastinating writing my last two papers of the semester.

There were a few things a didn't like about it, and a few more proportionately that I did like very much.

One thing that I knew straight off going into it from the trailer was that they were pushing the reincarnation angle. David Mitchell has said himself that the characters are all reincarnations of each other, but in this instance, I think I'm going to take the side of New Criticism for the first time in my life and call the intentional fallacy card. I felt when reading it that reincarnation was just one of many metaphors for a much grander idea that the book was putting forth in terms of the idea of history and inter-relativity, human kindness and crime, and how actions affect everything in a very karmic type of circle.

The movie, on the other hand, was all about the reincarnation. They gloried in it. And hey, they went whole hog, so who am I to really judge them for it? At least they carried through with it and didn't do a half-assed job. I think because of that, and that alone, it worked.

What I didn't expect, but probably should have, was that they made it into a love story.

It's funny, but the last reading I would have taken from the book was the love story one. They did a lot of editing and a couple of significant changes to adapt it to that particular angle, so it did feel a little forced. But for translating a work of this magnitude into a screenplay...I don't know if any other theme would have worked so palatably for audiences.

I guess this is the main thing I was disappointed with though - and I know that's a personal thing because I'm not a romantic and I just feel that even though romantic/sexual/whateveryouwantocallit love is a huge chunk of what humankind is made of, there's just so much more to life that's neglected these days just because love and sex sell. (Also by forcing that lens onto it, they distorted the plot line a lot *cough*Sonmi*cough*)

Before I went to go see it, a friend of mine told me that they reused the same people for all the characters in all the different stories, so I was prepared for that bit. This I felt half and half about. I have to admit it felt a bit cheesy at times...

...but then again they really managed to pull it through the whole movie trying their hardest and I think it worked. I can also understand that being billed for a cast including Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugo Weaving, Jim Sturgess, Susan Sarandon, and Hugh Grant among another full handful can't have been cheap and using them literally to their full potential was a smart move on their part.

Not even going to lie though, the cross dressing - particularly of Nurse Noakes - had me peeing my seat.

The one thing I was truly uncertain about was in Sonmi's story; they used all the same actors alright, but they chose to make the white people Korean by CGing in asian eyes.

Not only was this just straight up bizarre to look at, but I wasn't too sure how I felt about the touchy racial boundaries on that. It's one thing to put on elderly prosthetics or cross dress, but that just seemed a bit much.

Anyway, aside from that the casting was great and I'm going to gush about all the things I loved.

Jim Sturgess. Sorry that has to be first because I'm going to be biased for a moment because he's just delicious. Especially in a top hat.

Ahem. Okay. That aside, the visual effects were really well done for the most part. Imaginative, captivating, and breathtaking at times. Loved the sci-fi parts in particular. I wish Sonmi's section could have been given more airtime because I'm just a sucker for awesome gadgetry (the room change!)

Timothy Cavendish was exactly as I imagined and made me laugh so very much. Jim Broadbent was an excellent choice and the writing adapting for the narration for his bits were perfect.

Also Hugh Grant never failed to make me laugh, no matter what role he was playing, even if he wasn't meant to be funny (Kona warrior lol...)

Frobisher's storyline was so much sadder, if that was possible. Until his final scene, I was managing to keep from shedding those tears on the rims of my eyelids, but that whole part hurt. While we're on the topic of him though, I can't say I was a fan of how the situation with Ayrs was resolved (if it can be called a resolution). That varied too much from the book and I thought it was out of character.

Anyway back to good things, Hugo Weaving was fantastic - as per always though. He's just phenomenal in everything that he does and I enjoy his acting so very much.

The music is also beautiful. At the same time, I was hoping the Sextet would be longer and maybe have a little more...heart-wrendingness to it, seeing as it's built up in the book so much. Not that it's bad, but I  wish it was longer and more orchestral. I imagined something very different in my head. Still, it's enough to make me want to learn the piano to play it.

One of my favourite things about the movie was the quirkiness of it. I don't think this was capturing the feeling of the book, but rather purely the flavour of the movie itself. It took risks. I mean, it was a 3 hour film, it had to. But everything, from Hugh Grant's ridiculous facial expressions as a Kona, to the Knuckle Sandwich's author's blood spray as he pancaked flat, to Ol' Georgie, distinctly shouted out Cloud Atlas, the Film. I love something with quirk, especially if it's not perfect. And this film managed to pull it off.

I have to say though that the prize for Best Thing About The Movie has to go to its editing. The Wachowski's really nailed the scripting. Weaving 6 different story lines of a postmodern novel is no easy feat and yet they made it feel seamless. I think this, more than anything else (yes, even more than Jim Sturgess), is what tipped the scale and put my thumb up and not down.

For the most part, I'm very unforgiving about movie adaptations from books I love. Harry Potter is a classic example; the movies are fun, but I can at times be more than a bit harsh on them. (The only proper translation of a book to film, like I said in my Room With a View post, is Lord of the Rings).

Anyway, I enjoyed this movie. It's not something I'm going to run out and tell my friends about and force them to watch like I'm forcing them to read the book, but I wouldn't tell them to stay away either. It's an artful movie and as well done as I could imagine it being.

If given the chance, I think I would gladly watch it again.

7.5/10

Milk, by Alexa and Sheila

Head Trip

Beautiful painting, no?

No.

Because why?

This is no painting, friends, this is the genius work of body painter Alexa Meade, modelled by Sheila Vand.

Looking to explore the fluidity of the female form through portraiture and perception, Alexa and Sheila decided to collaborate after a chemic Skype meeting and the project Milk: what will you make of me? was born.

The figure: the human body itself.

The canvas: milk.

Activate

To paraphrase the marvellous interview (the full version of which can be read here), the two creatively kindred spirits were intrigued by using milk as the medium to look at the concept of women in art. It's a medium that works well in the logistic sense for its opacity, but Sheila reveals it was more than just that. 

"I was also really drawn to its conceptual implications," she says in Don't Panic's interview. "It's a provocative substance made only by the female body, so it's a really insightful context to explore the female form". 

Mango Lassi

While this all sounds well and good, the process was not as milky smooth as they make it look.

Lying in a blow-up pool filled freezing milk, suspended partly by floaties and partly by a solid concrete floor, Sheila admitted to the challenge of keeping the body as expressive as she and Alexa had discussed beforehand. "But if you lose that human element, it's no longer a living portrait," she conceded.

And it's no wonder with that level of dedication that the project turned out as breathtaking as it did.

White Out

On Alexa's side, the challenge mainly lay in the ticking clock. One can only imagine the exasperation she felt when she says, "I could spend a couple hours painting on Sheila and in as little as two minutes in the pool of milk, it could all be washed away. There is an incredibly short window of time for me to get the right shot. If I miss the photo, then all our work is gone and we have nothing to show for it."

Though it was just the two of them putting these together, they distinctly felt a third presence throughout their work. "We often referred to the milk as a third partner in our collaboration ebcause it would ultimately determine the final product," says Alexa, and describes how that which was meant to be grotesque would end up graceful. "We could never predict how the milk would behave."

But did they cry over this spilled (or rather, unruly) milk? Not in the least!

The medium worked well with the art to produce unanticipated results, like in Shape and Shift (below).

Shape                                                       Shift

The duo toured to Zurich, Switzerland in August and September of 2012 to do a live performance of their project at Galerie Ivo Kamm. There, inspired by the effervescent nature of the art during the original LA based project, they wanted to work with the loss of identity and its instability.

"You really start to feel like a mutable canvas," says Sheila who was painted between 2-3 times per session.

To check out all their work, behind-the-scenes shots, and some sneak peaks at the Zurich performances, head right on over to their website and glory in their inspirational work.

Behind-the-scenes of Activate/Hesitate/Deviate

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the constant milk baths were indeed very good for the skin. "The paint," disclaimed Sheila on the other hand, "not so much."

Cloud Atlas (The Book), and Why I Want its Last Line Tattooed Permanently on my Skin

Hold this book. Feel its weight, the five-hundred pages that are bound together by glue and pulp. Flip the pages and marvel at how thin and light each leaf is, and how the sun makes them transparent enough to read the words in reverse on the other side.

Marvel because this near weightless, hand-held, simple object carries the burden of civilization, leaves you burnt with passion, and inspires the genius of humankind.

This book is why literature should exist.

If I were to make a list of books that writers should read, this would be at the top. Anyone who loves literature - real literature, this book should have priority to move to the top of the to-read list.

It starts in the late 19th century with a San Franciscan on a boat leaving from Sydney writing a journal, but then it stops mid sentence.

Suddenly it's the 1930's and the main character is a (slightly mad) composer writing letters to his past lover who's still in England about this half-finished travel journal that he wants to finish reading - "a half-finished book is a half-finished love affair", as he writes.

This idea starts to permeate the rest of the story as his narrative ends halfway through as well and suddenly it's the 1970's; it turns into a mystery thriller, and the journalist protagonist meets the now elderly lover to the composer who has kept the letters for his whole life.

Continue this pattern of ending part-a-way through another two times, and it's moved into the future where the patterns start to weave themselves out of the threads of all the stories, and come together to face birth, life, and ultimately death - and what those even mean at all.

It's an exploration of humanity and the rise and fall of empires and what makes a person blaze with spirit at their very core. 

It sounds ambitious, but when the reviews say that every page moves forward with the force of molten lava, they don't exaggerate: it may be hard to penetrate the surface, and it may move slowly (in the beginning at least), but it burns with the kind of writerly genius that can only erupt a handful of times a generation.

This one's for the love of reading.

This one's for the writers.

This one's why literature should exist.

Normal Coloured Eggs and Ham

My Omi makes delightful ham and my family snatches whatever we can of her leftovers.

Her generous six slices of ham results in none other than a salty, smokey, juicy slab of ham along side a sunny egg freckled with pepper.

And I know butter's bad for you...but eggs in butter has my heart a-thumping, even if it is just from cholesterol build-up.

Eat breakfast as a king, they say.

How to Eat Your Daily Veg:

Drink it instead.

Watching a Room with a View

On the topic of film adaptations of books again, I just had my last class of Late Victorian and Early Edwardian literature (I will sorely miss this and my wonderful professor) and we finished up the semester with watching the 1985 A Room with a View movie.

It is glorious.

First off, the cast: Maggie Smith, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench, and a 19-year-old Helena Bonham Carter. Marvellous.

Written originally in 1908, it's a story about a moody young Lucy Honeychurch (Helena Bonham Carter), who goes on a tour du monde to Italy with neurotic, woebegone chaperone Charlotte Bartlett (Maggie Smith).

To their mutual dismay, they discover the room they had booked has no view. At dinner, however, a kind but low class father and his romantic son, George, offer to switch their room with a view for theirs. Cue romance! ...of the creepy, stalker, leering sort.

After that, it's just a hilarious early 20th century, 80's infused, rom-com satire. Granted, Forester's A Room with a View is a belly full of laughs itself, but it's rare that a translation between mediums can capture the essence of humour from an author as well as this was able to. (On a slight tangent, Lord of the Rings does this flawlessly also).

Anyhow this movie is worth watching for so many reasons. The editing, the acting, the scene structure with mildly surreal actions that are deemed only slightly unnatural by the actors, and of course the transition blocks with dramatic medieval-esque drawings, operatic music, and various chapter headings announcing the upcoming action of the scene. Whether or not this is to forewarn audiences so they don't get in tizzy of knicker wetting or just because it's the 80's, I've no idea. But it's awesome.

Also the costume designs are lovely. The Edwardians really knew how to dress.

Last but not least, there is a marvellous, prolonged naked-men-bathing-and-frolicking-and-wrestling-in-the-sun scene. Three full frontals. Our undergraduate class of 21+ year old students tittered like we were twelve.

It's overwrought and exaggerated and definitely not everyone's cup of Earl Grey Tea, but if you're a lit nerd or just someone with a good sense of humour, then I highly recommend this for one of those Friday nights where instead of sulking because your plans got cancelled, you rejoice in the opportunity to pop corn and wear slippers and enjoy this classic turn of the century adaptation.

Porn – A Depressive or Incentive for Your Sex Life?

[Here's my article for this week's issue for The Concordian. My first time writing about something using actual opinions other than mine yay!]

Anxiety over the negative effects of extensive porn-watching is not something new, but it begs the question, what are the negative effects, if any?

A recent article in Men’s Health, “Is Porn Harmful?” linked watching porn with depression (in men) based on a study in Arkansas, but also found that porn was more commonly used when stressed or bored rather than lonely.

Telecommunications professor Byant Paul of Indiana University states that there definitely is a negative bias when presenting porn in the media, implying that there might be a positive light to consider.

Men’s Health’s article “Is Porn Bumming You Out?” explores this very subject. Duane McBride, Ph. D of Andrews University says that porn may be a cause of metal health problems because of the isolation it involves, but admits that there isn’t necessarily a correlation between the two. Rather, as the article’s writer Kiera Aaron puts it, “Porn might not cause isolation but rather be a symptom of isolation—meaning those who are already antisocial tend to rely more on pornography”.

So let’s look at porn in that positive light suggested by Paul while removing the isolation factor.

A Norwegian study observed relations between couples and porn habits. Hands down, the most dysfunctional relationships were the ones where only one member used it. Surprisingly the most satisfied couples were the ones who both incorporated it into their sex lives.

Why? Researchers found they were more capable communicating their fantasies to one another, experimenting, and being open minded when romping around the sheets.

A study done in the University of Denver also concluded that couples who are open about and even join the other in their X-Rated movie nights are more likely to keep relationships going strong.

To find out how Concordia’s students feel, The Concordian interviewed Chris Herbert* and Melissa Park*.

When asked if porn ever made them feel depressed, Park disagreed, but Herbert answered yes, and that he only watches it if in a good mood. “Masturbation is not substitute for actual sex,” he says, “and will often make me feel lonelier afterwards.”

They both agreed that porn was definitely a good educator and felt it never diminished their sex lives. If anything, Herbert says porn has helped him appreciate his partners more. “I’ve learned a lot about how much better real-life sex with a real person can be,” he added.

McBride of Andrews University addresses this opinion, stating, “Experts believe that face-to-face social interactions improve mood and perceptions of physical health while social isolation has the opposite effect”.

The application of the open-porn relationship expressed in the Norwegian survey, however, seems easier said than done.

“I’ve never watched porn on a regular basis with a partner,” says Herbert, although he adds that this was for no other reason than the fact that his partners were not interested in watching it. Park seconds the importance of the partner’s personal preference. “I’ve talked about it pretty openly with past partners,” she says, “but it really depends on how they feel about it.”

According to the studies, the bottom line seems to be intimacy and connection, something Herbert and Park both feel is most important as well. Herbert states, “My relationship with porn definitely affected myself personally, but never my relationships in a direct way.” He feels porn neither improves or diminishes his sex life, stating instead, “Chemistry and communication affect this much more than pornography ever could.”

Park’s experiences have been mixed among partners. “One boyfriend was really not cool with [porn],” she says. “Others were a lot more receptive and adventuresome.”

She ends optimistically, though, with a smile: “It’s all about communication.”

*For the privacy of the participants, names have been changed.

La Guerra del Taco

[Since my article for this week got pushed to next, here's a food review from a couple of weeks ago!]

Though Montreal isn’t exactly a capital for the spicy food of our southern North Americans friends, there are a few hotspots around to satiate cravings for a more authentic Mexican food experience than 3 Amigos. The faceoff: Tequila Taco House vs. La Matraca.

Round 1: Tequila Taco House

           

Their interior may be small, but the high ceilings with tall shelves supporting earthenware pottery and desert plants make it feel comfortable and open. Festive Latin music dance salsas in the background and a waitress arrives instantly with water, menus, and preemptive bowls of hot sauces.

Before sinking teeth into the main course, try the guacamole nachos: the guac is homemade with the summery tang of lime that goes great with the oily bitterness of the thick cut corn nachos. For colder weather, there’s the Aztec soup – while salty, the taco shells lining the bottom do well to offset this, and the cheese and sour cream swirled on top are irresistible.

Guacamole and Aztec soup with spicy sauces

For the indecisive, the waitress enthusiastically recommends the Tequila Taco special. It has a little of everything, and is perfect for sharing. It comes with four soft tacos with two shrimp balls each that are fried in cornbread. Served with spicy mayo, a corn-herb-rice medley, chunky tomato salsa, and a side of nachos speared into a dollop of refried beans and cheese, it is positively filling. As an aside, their food presentation gets an A+.

 Taco Tequila special

As for drinks, the marguerites are where it’s at. The lime was maybe a bit salty, but the fabulous Jamaican marguerite is reminiscent of an amaretto sour with tequila.

In all, it’s not exactly cheap, averaging at $12 a dish, but the food is quality enough to make it worthwhile.

9/10

Round 2: La Matraca

Anyone looking for the Mexican equivalent of a Belle Province, look no farther! La Matraca is a diner with quirk, from its signs about la etiqueta del taco, to its corkboards crammed with photos of satisfied customers, to the “I <3 Tacos” t-shirts for sale.

The menu is a DIY checklist allowing for a mix-and-match of different dishes. While there isn’t any guacamole, they do have a savoury bean and Mexican sausage entrée soup (highly recommended!). The flautitas – taco-cheese rolls with a bean dip – are great for a group of friends to split.

Mexican sausage and black bean soup

Main dishes are a wide array of tacos, sandwiches, and burritos. The guera is the highlight of the menu, a flour tortilla with seasoned beef and cheese improved only by copious amounts of the three types of spicy sauces provided. For dragon-people who like to feast on fire, La Matraca’s hot scale for these sauces starts at around a 6 and hovers comfortably at a 9.

Their unique beverage selection includes milky sweet Agua de Horchata, Agua de Jamaica (a homemade ice tea), and fizzy apple soda.

Spicy sauces and (left clockwise), apple soda, Agua de Horchata, and Agua de Jamaica

To cap it off, there is a small selection of desserts, but the only one you should have eyes for is the flan which is surprisingly one of the best flans to be found in Montreal.

Prices range from $5-8, but the portions are small. Also the service was leaning on the frigid side and they charged for something that wasn't bought.

7.5/10

Winner

The quality of Tequila Taco House gives it first place, but both are worth checking out – take a date to Tequila Taco House, and go with friends to La Matraca!

Joy to the World, Hot Drinks Have Come!

Tis the season for inventive drinks at cafes, aww yea! It's possibly the best thing about the holiday lead-up.

It's a toss up right now between the Candy Cane latte and the Nog latte at Second Cup...

Also, their gingerbread powder. Om nom nom.

Any cozy coffee preferences from the rest of you chilly Canadians?

Dr. Jekyll and the Frankenstein Monster Called Pop Culture

At long last I've crossed out Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from the to-reads! (Getting closer to letting myself buy the deluxe edition of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which I made a financial pact with myself about wherein I don't buy it until I've read all the books that the main characters are from).

I have a major guilty pleasure for Late Victorian science fiction (or scientific romance as they called it) and so I of course loved it. That felt like a given though.

Favourite line: "If he be Mr. Hyde," he had thought, "I shall be Mr. Seek."

What I want to talk about though is how pop culture almost creates a whole other - almost universally preferred - version of stuff like this. It was the same as when I read Frankenstein this summer: both were entirely different from what I expected because of how I'd come across them before.

For one thing, Mr. Hyde is always talked about like this Hulk-figure, big and brutish who smash but no talk English. But in the book he wasn't. I mean, he was a troglodyte (best word ever, ftr) as they put it, but he was also a dwarf and highly articulate. As for Frankenstein's monster, instead of grunting and moaning from the bolts in his neck, he also ended up being exceptionally articulate - enough to narrate his entire life story at the end in a classically dignified Victorian way.

So *adjusts hipster glasses*, how do these stories get patchworked from our false preconceived notions with overdramatized misrepresentations?

The movies of course :)

...well, and TV. And graphic novels. And probably other books making hyperbolic references to them too.

Not that that's bad - I think it's awesome how these characters evolve and have cropped up all across the media globe to make all their separate universes. It makes it that much more fun for writers to dip into the collective cauldron of characters while crafting their own stories.

Anyway, to throw it out there, what books have you read that have been nothing like you thought because of pop culture?

Chicken Brie Sandwich with Avocado and Dijon

Whenever there's leftover roast chicken, the best thing ever (aside from maybe attacking the cold carcass like a ravenous tyrannosaur the next day) is having a cheese melt sandwich. This is one of my favourite things to bring to work (we have a toaster oven and it makes my day so often!) or just have on a lazy Saturday brunch.

Tips:

- If possible, use a loaf of bakery bread instead of pre-sliced sandwich Wonderbread 

- Spread a generous slather of dijon mustard

- Cut thick slabs of chicken, but cube before so it warms easier

- Use brie. Any kind. Cut thin so it melts quicker

- Slice avocado into thin-ish crescents - the bigger the piece, the less likely it'll slip out when you bite into it

- Grind some fresh pepper over the avocado

My one regret about today was that I toasted the crap out of my bread by putting on the wrong settings (damn you broil vs. bake!) Anyway it still tasted good after scraping the darker patches off, but it fell apart and my dignity was compromised while attempting to eat it.

Morning Blus

The flat layer of steam as the sun evaporates the frost: this is morning in the North just as much as the blushing stain of sunrise, the orange band on the horizon.

Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back (for 4 years)

Well. Thank the gods.

The one sad thing is that all the Romney satires are over now.

The Series of Unfortunate Days of Jean-Paul Sartre

In this spirit of blogging and awesomeness, this is an excellent modernization of a past thinker given contemporary social networking opportunities.

Lolz.

Roasted Bacon Chicken

I'll admit I've always had a fear of cooking meat. Today seemed like as good a day as any to take the plunge, and so I grabbed some chicken breast, bacon, and ground up some spices to make a delightful remedy to October chills.

I got the recipe from here, but I'll write out

Serves 3-4 (or 2 with delicious bacon-chicken sandwich leftovers!)

Ingredients:
- 2 chicken breasts
- 4 bacon strips (Montreal bacon)
- 1 garlic clove
- 1/2 tsp paprika
- tabasco sauce, to taste
- salt and pepper, to taste
- water

Preheat oven to 375 C and line a baking sheet with aluminum foil.

With a mortar and pestle, grind up the garlic, paprika, salt, pepper, and tabasco sauce (with a bit of water to make it more soluble and spreadable).

Basted the chicken with the mixture very generously, tucking extra garlic into some of the folds in the meat.

After that, wrap the top of each chicken breast with two slices of bacon and set it in the oven with the timer set for 40 minutes.

If the chicken is of a particularly thick cut, as mine was, or if the bacon doesn't look cooked, then leave it in a bit longer according to personal judgment.

My chicken turned out a bit dry, and I think that's because I didn't follow the instruction to put some foil on for 10 minutes after taking it out of the oven.

Otherwise this is a delicious recipe. It goes nicely with a cucumber pomegranate mint salad, which I'll post the recipe for tomorrow.

Up the Food Chain

After writing three articles (not including my work last semester), I have officially been promoted to staff writer for The Concordian newspaper!

This week I've written up a tea/shisha lounge review and a promo for the Rocky Horror Halloween Ball to get people in the mood for decadence. It'll be good to see my name in print in two sections.

Garden Slug

I tried to pick up a stick when I was outside one night and almost picked up this...

Tuna Cakes

Around the end of school I was busting my brain trying to figure out how to give said brain an appropriate amount of power boosting so I could finish my essays and whatnot (illegal narcotics are so 20th century...). Eating fish is, of course, the universal go-to brain food, but there's only so many sardines and tuna sandwiches I can eat before I start looking at the frozen pizza boxes. Still, I had a shit ton of tuna cans in the pantry and figured I'd just try and experiment a little bit.

I found this recipe for tuna cakes in an old book of my mother's, so I guess it wasn't really experimenting all on my part, but I decided to try it out and it was a huge success in my mind. I've made this twice so far. It's great for 2-3 people, or 1 person if you do a half-recipe. It's awesome for end of school because it's super easy and it's almost guaranteed that you'll have all the ingredients in the house already.

Ingredients
- 1 can of tuna
- 4 slices of bread, cubed (preferably white and malleable)
- 2 eggs
- 1 small onion, finely chopped
- salt and pepper to taste

1. Whisk the egg beforehand, but only until slightly frothy.
2. Mix tuna and onion with egg, and add salt and pepper if desired.
3. Add bread. I use my hands to really mash it all together.
4. Once it's all sticking together pretty well, form small balls that you can then squish flat-ish into patties.
5. On an oiled pan heated to about 4, place the patties.
6. They're ready when they're golden brown. Flip until both sides are golden.

The book says to eat them with mayo, which is definitely flippin delicious, but I've also eaten it with pesto and humus. But then again, I'm kind of weird. I'm pretty sure experimenting with dipping sauces is one of the funnest parts though, so go crazy.

Honeyed Blackberry Brie Toast

I came home with a stomach that was just a tad bit unsettled from my pint of Guinness downed on a near-empty stomach. The only solution to said problem, I decided, would be to eat some bread. But then I saw blackberries. And then I found brie. And then I remembered the chutney in the fridge and wanted nothing other than warm brie liquifying under warm blackberries and a golden dribble of honey on a thick slab of fresh Italian bread.

Ingredients

- 1 slice of bread, thick cut and preferably a fresh loaf, not the regular sandwich kind

- blackberries, washed

- brie, cut about 1/2 cm thick

- mango bengal spice chutney

- honey

1. Toast bread lightly enough to get a crisp outside and soft inside; the bread should be no more than lightly blushing brown.

2. Slather the chutney on the bread (see previous post about what kind of chutney this is exactly), arrange brie cheese. How much brie you need will depend on the size of the bread.

3. Broil until brie is runny.

4. Arrange blackberries evenly, as many as you want.

5. Drizzle honey across this divine midnight snack and weep tears of roses and unicorns.

On Pesto

So I made pesto for the first time today, a process which was a lot easier than I'd thought. I have to say that pesto makes one of my all time favourite things - the bocca panini from the Indigo Cafe, a sandwich just perfectly warmed so the outside bread is crispy but if pulled open you can see the inside is a steaming, stringy heaven of bocconcini, tomato and, most importantly, pesto sauce. Aside from that, it makes cold pasta salads to die for, it's amazing to cook meat with, and you can of course just toss it around with some tomatoes and onions to make a great side dish.

I've been putting off making it for a while now though, since I remember making it years back when I stayed with my aunt and uncle and it seemed intimidating. Maybe it's just the recipe I found, but it took a grand total of maybe - maybe - ten minutes. I got it off this site, but just in case some day the hyperlink doesn't work, I'll break it down here for posterity's sake.

Ingredients
- 2 cups fresh packed basil leaves
- 1/4 cup grated parmesan
- 1/4 cup pine nuts (can be substituted with walnuts or hazelnuts)
- 3 cloves garlic, finely minced
- 1 Tbs lemon juice
- 3/4 cup olive oil, extra virgin

1. Pluck the basil leaves from the stems, removing any brown bits or mould.
2. Rinse in cold water and dry.
3. Mix oil, pine nuts and garlic in a food processor (or blender, which is what I use for lack of a food processor).
4. Add basil leaves, a bit at a time, until the mixture is a thickish green paste.
5. Add lemon juice.
6. Add parmesan if none of it's being frozen.

Makes about 1 cup pesto. The pesto can be frozen, but in that case the cheese should be added when it's ready to be used since cheese doesn't freeze all that well. The only thing with this recipe - and I don't know if this is normal or not, having never made this from scratch before - is that the oil separates very easily from the mixture. It might be that there's too much, or it might just be because oil doesn't like to play nice with the other ingredients in the mason jar and prefers to be a loner.

Also, I'm partial to cheese and saltiness, so I actually added more parmesan than 1/4 cup (actually 4 times that amount - initially by mistake, but it turned out rather delicious). Of course this is the kind of thing that can be tweaked over the years until an uber-special pesto epitome is reached and can be passed down to the next generation.

Mediterranean Pomegranate Salad

A salad is only as interesting as you make it. Most people hate salad because they think dry lettuce with skimpy dressing that doesn't quite dress. At least that's the distasteful gustatory picture I get in my head. But alas, the veggies need consuming, so why not consume them in style? Most of the recipes I've put up so far are results of my boredom and unending desire to turn ordinary healthy food into something exciting. Pretty much all food is wonderful if you do a little tasting outside the box.

Now I'm not sure how authentically Mediterranean some of these ingredients are, but we'll roll with it because it sounds more appetizing. I decided I wanted something a little bit special for lunch seeing as I've spent the last many days at home avoiding going outside because of the oppressive cloud blanket that's been smothering the area since the last few weeks. What better way to pretend you're in a sunny place than with food?

<u>Ingredients</u>
- a handful of spinach leaves
- cucumber, about a 2-3" wedge, sliced and quartered
- half a tomato, diced
- 2 bocconcini balls, in pieces
- black olives, 5-8
- fresh pomegranate seeds, a generous garnish
- sunflower seeds, a good handful
- roasted sesame seeds, a good scattering
- a pinch of mediterranean sea salt spicing*
- balsamic vinegar
- olive oil

1. Mix spinach, cucumber, tomato, bocconcini and olives.
2. As a garnish, place pomegranate, sunflower and sesame seeds, topping with mediterranean sea salt.
3. Drizzle balsamic vinegar and olive oil on top.
4. If you want a side dish, I had it with cream of mushroom soup (from a Campbell's can, sadly). It would probably be delicious with a tomato soup too, or some kind of spiced cold soup like gaspacho if it's a warm day.

Sesame seeds don't just belong on bagels, and they are sadly left out of a lot of recipes. In this it adds a great nutty flavour, and since they're so small, they cling to almost every bite and complement all the other ingredients. Although it's difficult to get a hold of most of the year, the pomegranate is absolutely wonderful with the balsamic vinegar. Its sweetness mixed with the subtle taste of the bocconcini helps to undercut the salty balsamic and herb mixture, making it an all around delicious treat for lunch. Definitely a salad I'll be having more than once.

*The mediterranean sea salt I use is of the Les soeurs en Vrac brand. It isn't just salt, but a mix of other herbs like dehydrated bell pepper, garlic and parsley. I get it at IGA, Metro, or Arpents Verts, but it's on an independent stand so it could be elsewhere.

Broiled Bocconcini with Fig, Honey, and Spicy Mango Chutney

So I'll have to upload a photo of this one at a later date since I devoured it before reaching for the camera. But it is wonderfully delicious and perfect for a snack on a day filled with either rain or sunshine.

<u>Ingredients</u>
- 1 slice pumpernickel bread
- 1 fig
- 2 balls of bocconcini cheese
- 1 1/2 TBS mango bengal spice chutney*
- honey to taste

*The chutney I have is the Veeraswamy brand, imported from a British Indian restaurant. I get it from The Bay, but any sweet chutney should do the job.

1. So first lightly toast the pumpernickel bread, just so it's crispy on the outside but still soft on the inside.
2. Slice the bocconcini and fig, the latter into lengthwise segments, not too thin but not too thick either.
3. Arrange bocconcini on toast and slather the chutney over the cheese so that it's fully covered (this way when it broils it'll all melt together in a warm, gooey gustatory orgasm).
4. When the cheese turns slightly runny, take it out and place fig evenly over the cheese.
5. Drizzle honey over the figs to taste. I prefer it so that the figs are entirely covered, but then again I have a sweet tooth and an obsession with honey. Enjoy and savour!!

Easter Turkey Sandwich

My family likes to do things a bit different so rather than ham for our Easter feast this year, we had turkey - which I most definitely am not complaining about. Particularly because of the leftovers involved.

So this sandwich goes for any time wherein there's some leftover turkey in the fridge, and is especially nice when you want to have a hearty lunch and feel like productively procrastinating rather than doing homework or other more important things.

What you need:

- Handful of leftover turkey, fairly large strips

- 2 slices of bread (preferably whole grain or pumpernickel)

- 1 slice swiss cheese

- sprinkling of shredded cheese (I got mine from a bag of premixed but choose according to personal taste)

- tomato, sliced

- avocado, sliced

- red onion, sliced and separated into sections

- about 10-15 spinach leaves

- mayo (I always use regular, but light can substitute)

- dijon mustard

- salt and pepper to taste

1. Toast bread until crisp on outside and soft on inside.

2. Broil cheese on toast, different cheeses on different slices of toast. Take out before browned.

3. Stack in following order so as to avoid contents falling out of sandwich: tomato; salt+pepper; onion; turkey; spread dijon mustard and mayo - enough to give it some flavour but don't overkill; arrange spinach leaves evenly; avocado; salt+pepper again if desired.

4. Seal up that sandwich, cut in half, and lose yourself in sandwich ecstasy.

Notebook Rescue Dream

Had a dream where, in the wreckage of some beach trip in the middle of winter, when the rescue teams came to salvage what living humans they could from the freezing air and frozen water, I left behind my notebooks - every single notebook I ever owned (because for some reason I thought it was a good idea to bring them all and thought I'd need them all).

Needless to say, when told there was no going back to get them, dream Marta went absolutely ballistic. The bus driver closed her door (yes, it was on a regular school bus sort of vehicle that we were all being evacuated - guess it was a school trip of sorts), and I absolutely lost it to her. She had a gash above her left eye, I suppose I should have been easy on her.

Anyway dream Marta, as soon as she recovered from hospital, went on an epic hunt, Sherlock Holmes investigation style, to find these notebooks once again. I enlisted the help of a fellow friend, a condensationed friend amalgamating all my friends' features in one very amorphous form, and tracked down the bus driver to bring me back to the exact spot I lost my notebooks. The latter took some coercing, in which I bought her many drinks at a local hardcore club with coloured lights and concrete walls. Finally she agreed. I noticed that the wound above her eye had healed already and left no scar.

Then we were off - stealing the bus, driving at top speed, looking over our shoulders to ensure we weren't being followed. Slowly we meandered our way down the steep hill to the foot of the frozen water... Dream Marta ran off the bus and searched on the shore for the notebooks. There they were, red and black and beaten up, all in a stack by a rock and an old campfire. Circumspecting the area first, I charged to them and snatched them up, hugging them to my bosom and vowing to never let them go again. The bus driver and my friend called to me frantically. The police were coming - they'd caught wind of our endeavour.

I flew back to the bus, legs leaping greater distances I thought they ever could, and I flung myself onto the bus. The bus driver put the motor in gear and drove off.

And in this way, my notebooks were saved, and I revealed to myself just how much of a writing nerd I really am.